Lies

When was the last time you asked yourself the question, "Are you living a lie?".. Have you ever thought of that question in any instance in your life.. Or have you thought that you are living a lie..

Living a lie is like you have your own world, with you choosing the characters you want in that imaginary world, where you shield out all other things around you.. You hide the things that make you a failure of a person or better yet, you hide all the things that are not acceptable to you and the people around you.. You hide things that would make you feel a loser, a nobody and a disgrace to your family. Its something you don't want others to know so that they won't walk away from you or deny that you were friends.

Its so hard to live a lie, i know, i have been living a lie for quite sometime now. Its so hard trying to act as if nothings wrong with you, yet you know deep in your heart and mind that you are a BIG LIE. There are times when i just want to shout and tell everyone you know everything that is locked up in your heart and mind, its like you're a kettle over a stove, waiting for the water to boil and make a sound for you to be heard and attended to. There was also a time where i have been meaning to tell my hidden secrets, but am just so afraid to tell it to anyone, yeah its really tough when you are hiding something and at the same time you have insecurities and have an inferiority complex, such tragedy isn't it, but thats me, take it or leave it, i may act as though nothings wrong, but very deep inside of me, am a very lonely person hiding in an outgoing persona. And i wouldn't mention all of the lies i have been doing in my life, its enough to mention that am somewhat a fraud in the true sense of the word, but don't get me wrong, am not lying in things that could ruin me. There are some things that are just not worth mentioning.

Just as what one of my favorite song try to tell:
" So i put on my make up put a smile on my face and if anyone ask me everything is okey,
i'm laughing cuz no one knows the joke is on me cuz im dyin inside with my pride and a smile on my
Face...on my face oooh "

Come to think of it, thats what i'm really doing with my life right now, hiding and the feeling of dying. A slow agonizing death, its like every breathe you take, takes the life out of you a little at a time. I really don't know when and how i came about with this kind of life a have right now. I have lost track of time, all i can remember is that i have been like this when i'm in my early 20's (am well about in my mid-20's right now), but still its so strange that i feel that i have been like this for like forever.

I hope i get to straighten out my life starting this school year, i want to get out of this slump i'm in right now, i'm so tired of living a lie. All i want right now is to be free, free from all the lies and burdens am carrying right now, and i know i should be the one to initiate the changes i want in my life, and everything will follow, though there will be no immediate results, i know in time, everything will go according to my plan, slowly but surely..

Inside The Mind Of A Bipolar (Sort of)

Ok ok.. it may sound kind of drastic, am stil not realy diagnosed as a manic-depressive patient.. But i want to use the term that best describes me, and that's the exact reason why i used that term.

Scientifically..
Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a serious brain disease that causes extreme shifts in mood, energy, and functioning. Men and women are equally likely to develop this disabling illness. The disorder typically emerges in adolescence or early adulthood, but in some cases appears in childhood. Cycles, or episodes, of depression, mania, or "mixed" manic and depressive symptoms typically recur and may become more frequent, often disrupting work, school, family, and social life.

Depression: Symptoms include a persistent sad mood; loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed; significant change in appetite or body weight; difficulty sleeping or oversleeping; physical slowing or agitation; loss of energy; feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt; difficulty thinking or concentrating; and recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

Mania: Abnormally and persistently elevated (high) mood or irritability accompanied by at least three of the following symptoms: overly-inflated self-esteem; decreased need for sleep; increased talkativeness; racing thoughts; distractibility; increased goal-directed activity such as shopping; physical agitation; and excessive involvement in risky behaviors or activities.

"Mixed" state: Symptoms of mania and depression are present at the same time. The symptom picture frequently includes agitation, trouble sleeping, significant change in appetite, psychosis, and suicidal thinking. Depressed mood accompanies manic activation.

Especially early in the course of illness, the episodes may be separated by periods of wellness during which a person suffers few to no symptoms. When four or more episodes of illness occur within a 12-month period, the person is said to have bipolar disorder with rapid cycling. Bipolar disorder is often complicated by co-occurring alcohol or substance abuse.

Severe depression or mania may be accompanied by symptoms of psychosis. These symptoms include: hallucinations (hearing, seeing, or otherwise sensing the presence of stimuli that are not there) and delusions (false personal beliefs that are not subject to reason or contradictory evidence and are not explained by a person's cultural concepts). Psychotic symptoms associated with bipolar typically reflect the extreme mood state at the time.

And now for my own interpretation..

Bipolar for me is like having two persona or identities in one body, and no, its not the same as having an identity crisis in adolescence,and hell yes, its completely different. You dont know the half of it.. Its like walking on a very thin line seperating the two identities. Its like walking through an unknow path, without you knowing what would happen next. Its like waking up each and every morning, and you dont know what will your mood be for the day unless you encounter a person, its like he/she will be the barometer of how your mood will be for the ret of the day, as for me, id rather go to the manic stage of the illness.. Wherein somehow you could still function somewhat normally, but a little bit on the hyper side, but hey, its more fun than being the killjoy of the group.. But unfortunately, ive been more on the depressive side of the illness, and honestly its draining me out, its sucking the life out of me. Eversince ive felt this feeling a few years ago, ive never been the same again. I miss my old self where i was a happy go lucky person, no worries, not much of a problem person, but now, it changed dramatically, now am a gloomy, very moody, loner, DARK person.. Though i may seem ok when am with my friends, it just a mask, so that they wont inquire what is bothering or happening to me.

Dont get me wrong when i say that i dont want to talk about whats bothering me, it doesnt mean that i dont want to share it but i say that because even i dont know whats wrong, its like am clueless and helpless and am in darkness.. You know the feeling of being alone though you are surrounded by family and friends, yet you get the feeling that nobody is around you. to catch you if you fall, to dry the tears that fall down and help you pick up the pieces when your world crumbles down at your feet. There was a time in my life that i was suicidal (well, maybe up until now), shocked, well i cant blame you for that, maybe if i were you, i would also be shocked, but i am speaking about myself, my depressive self, so why should i be shocked.. And yeah, im also a bit of a masochist, id inflict physical pain rather than feel the emotional pain, its so much painful to feel emotional pain than physical pain, cause physical pain doesnt last but emotional pain does. And its so much hard to cope up with it, damn, am really at a lost, i cant seem to decide on things i want to do, im always confused, when am not like this in the past. So please do understand, when i say that i dont want to talk about it, i just want to have some space and time to think on things that are bothering me and eventually ill be alright.

26 Years of My Life (Last Part)

Now, have you ever thought that ill be pursuing my dream of becoming a doctor, well it does seem that my mom was surprised that ill be doing that.. After some deliberating, i decided to pursue it.. And was fortunate to pass the interview at FEU-NRMF and that is where i pursued my dreams of becoming a doctor (well, yeah almost.. :P). There i was, wandering along the corridors of our small yet functional school at the fisrt day of classes, when it really hit me that am going to endure more hardships and endless sleepless nights just to read chapters and chapters of reading materials for just a one and a half hour class and if worst comes to worst, while your there sitting at your classroom, you start to get sleepy due to the lack of sleep, (and yeah, due to the enticing temperature inside the classroom, really conclusive for sleeping :P and not to mention sometimes, due to boring lectures, sorry doctors :P)

Although im like a zombie almost like everyday, i was never grumpy (as for my part, i dont know if my acquintances will agree with me..ahahahaha). And that is maybe due to the fact that though the surroundings are different, the faces are not that different, because some of the people there are my former classmates when i was still in my P.T course, so will i be out of placed? And i think you already know my answer to that, contrary to it, it was like coming home to my family.. a wacky, out of control, slightly demented familty at that (ahahaha), where there would be a guy, who would just zoom into you and just hug you so tight that you might ran out of breathe ( Hello Aaron, miss your hugs :P), and sometimes you would just feel that someone is calling your name across the corridor and sometimes above or below a floor from the floor you are standing ( wierd isnt it.. ), well thats also a form of a stress reliever for us, making funny anecdotes of doctors and instructors (wwoopppsss, my bad :P) and by just merely talking to each other..Like any student who just had their first days in a new campus, youd like to explore where you could go to if you feel like EATING or for extreme circumstances PIGGING OUT SEESIONS with friends after a very draining exams week or you're just plainly tired and youd just want to hang out and chill with your friends.. And also how can i forget, DRINKING SESSIONS.. where you get to blurt out all your frustrations and whatever problems you want to share, believe it or not, it feels good after.. But hey, dont get me wrong, though all you could read in this overly long blog is about gimiks, antics and the "SESSIONS" you see, that was just an eighth of the total time of the serious things we endure every single day while in medical school, all the pressure, reports, projects, exams and reading assignments.So after being in a battleground for a whole year, after all the sleepless nights and pressure you get from other students (am not blaming them), my ass was booted out of FEU-NRMF (i saw it coming..), at first i was sad though it was really my own fault.. Then i just accepted the truth that i cant compete with the other students there which were accustomed to be rigorous life of studying in IM.. And i just moved on, without turning back..

Currently, am studying in OLFU.. though still struggling but am still surviving (a bit..).

26 Years of My Life (Part 3)

Then came college.. Yey! The start of another chapter of my life.. The stage of being an independent person (or i thought so).. I applied at various colleges and universities, and i ended up studying at Far Eastern University, the home of the Tamaraws (yahooo!!).. Damn, when i entered college, i became addicted to basketball even more, so addicted that when i get the chance to watch the UAAP, i never give a second thought and watch it live (well, at that happened at my 3rd yr). I had such a great time when i was in college, what i hated was the commuting to and from school especially during mornings, its such a headache and hassle, its so hard to get a ride, (as if i get to do this everyday.. when i just commute during fridays or when our car is broke.. ahahahaha). And after a long time of studying in an all girl school, i was exposed to boys again (ahahahaha, as if the school across D.C was not an all boy school).

At college, i took up Physical Theraphy, we'll that was the course i chose, because that was the trend at that time and i want to get into the medical field. In the first 2 years of my college life was burdened by so many subjects, projects, terror professors, unending peer pressure and gimiks (ahahaha). At this first two years, get to know different people, different in the sense of attitude, the places they came from, their abilities and upbringing.. It was a very informative yet stressful two years for me, but i was enjoying and i had a great time.. And this was the start of my being varsity basketball player crazy girl (ahahaha), i got to know the players of our school.. And at this time did the Tamaraws bagged the UAAP Championship.. All that happened in just two years, and it was as though it was just months.. As though i was in the course of P.T in 2 years, i just got a little glimpse at the course itself when we had our Introduction to P.T class at the end of second semester of our second year. As you know, our school has required us to get a battery exam before we could really proceed at the main P.T course, but unfortunately, i didnt passed the exam, so i just decided to shift course, so i ended up taking Biology. Why biology you ask, when there are few work related fields when i graduate.. Its because... that's for another part of my 4 part blog..

Now for my last 2 years in college.. If i was happy in my P.T days.. I was even happier when i was in my Biology years.. Why you ask? Its because i got to know my "TROPA", to which until now i have a constant communication and we still go out, neat isnt it.. I really enjoyed this informative years, though i almost flunked 2 or 3 subjects, but i still survived without getting a failing grade.. There are so many fun and funny memories of these years.. Never will i forget them.. I still sometimes catch myself smiling and even laughing at the antics we would do.. And then, this was the start of my unfailing devotion to watch UAAP live, and then i really got close to the varsity players (well, some of them), but its enough for to me be close with Bacani, Cruz, Catli, Zablan among others.. God, it felt so womderful, i get to hang-out with them sometimes and started to go with them at their practices, and after that, we would just hang-out again just to talk bout things and do wacky things.. I was in heaven when i was with them, and at times i felt that there are people who are jealous that iwas so close with them that sometimes i get the feeling that they are staring at me and wanted to throw daggers at me, i cant blame them, but i was just lucky.. This was just a few things i did in college.. And at my fourth year after my summer class, i finally graduated!! So much fun.. And many memories that ill treasure for a very long time..

26 Years of My Life (Part 2)

Then all that changed, though not drastically but it did changed my life.. My parents decided that, i should continue my studies in manila.. So, i continued my studies at Dominican College.. I transferred there when i was in my fourth grade.. At first i was intimidated, well as you know i was from the province (well not from the far flung province). Gradually, i grew accustomed to the lifestyle of living in the big city.. As you know, i was a consistent honor student when i was still studying in laguna, but all that changed when i transferred here in manila. Yeah you've guessed it right, i never even reached the status of being in an honor roll.. At first i was frustrated, as you know i was accustomed of being ang honor student, but gradually i came to terms with that, my gradeschool life passed by without any hassles and problems..I went though the years, gaining knowledge and friends ill treasure and still have communication with all through the years.. I didnt just gained knowledge inside the four corners of my classroom but also about how to live in the big city.. How to go to places by myself, exploring the malls, the places where the cool people usually hang-out..

Then its the start of my highschool life, another new beginning, gaining higher knowledge, more places to explore, gaining new friends and the start of emotional relationships (if you know what i mean).. Highschool was such a thrill for me, ive gained more independence to explore things, to go around, to gain experience, to try new things for myself.. So i did, i tried everything, went to places ive never been to and explored the thing around me.. And at this stage of my life, i meet my bestfriend, though we vary at different aspects in our lives, we got along pretty well, so well that we still are best of friends up until know, though we trudged at different directions and have some misunderstandings here and there and didnt have any communication for years, still we manage to be the way we used to be.. We shared everything (well not exactly everything), but if it would have been possible to share everything, that would have been the case. All the things i did was with her, we never seperated ways though we were just classmates for just a year.. You could say that we are sisters and friends rolled into one.. Just like gradeschool, my highschool life was a blast, and i could say that was the best four years of my life.. Ive graduated without any problems, though i struggled one time or the other, still i never regretted things that happened to me, cause that things made me who i am today, though a little eccentric, but still a somewhat normal person..

26 Years of My Life (Part 1)

My life began at 6:34 am on the fateful day of March 5th.. The third and the only girl on the brod of three..

For most part of my childhood, everything went well.. I was an honor student, (well for most part anyway), a doting daughter and a very lively girl.. A grandmothers and also a grandfathers pet.. Was the life of any party, dancing and singing to any tune that i know..

I grew up in a small town known to only a few people.. A very peaceful, wonderful, picturesque place just under the foot of the sierra madre mountain ranges.. Full of trees, fresh air, chirping birds and crickets at night. Its just a wonderful place to be, away from the hustle and bustle of the big city.. It's like you've been transported to another place..

Growing up for me was challenging.. although you dont have to prove anything yet, i still have to struggle to gain the respect of the people around me.. Fortunalely, i succeeded (only for the time being anyway), i was acknowledged by the people i know.. It was kinda hard but i was enjoying every second of it.. It was rewarding and i really liked it.. I was blessed to to do the things that a child would have done.. Playing until your mother yells at you to go home, eat any food i wished, run around the neighborhood with just my panties with ruffles at the back with an air of innocence and play under the rain, screaming and shouting at each other till our throat hurts and have hoarse voices.. I miss those times.. Where you were carefree and have no big problems that burdens you, the times when all you have to do is wake up go to school, go home. do your homework and after that play until your body hurts then sleep again and do the same routine over and over again, and your not complaining, not unless someone pushes you to sleep in the afternoons and tell you that if you take a nap, you'll grow much taller (how i wish this was true), but who cares, all we want at that time was to play until we smell like sweat, dirt and the sun.. I could still remember the time when i would eat "balot" 6 at a time, beat that, and if thats not enough put in some "penoy" and "abnoy".. and you'll get an highblood pressure (well, that is at our age right now).