December 28, 2008 at 3:19 and 11:52 pm

It was a moment of indecisiveness. I was thinking if i would go through it or chicken out again. I mustered my courage and started to punch a message in my cellphone. I was very nervous, i was scared that it would go unnoticed if i send it, in the first place im not in someway connected to the person i would text though if given a chance we would be somewhat connected to each other.

After what it seemed more or less 30 mins, eventhough ive already finished typing my message, i was still having second thoughts if im going to send it or not. Finally, after waiting for another 10 minutes, i couragely punched the send button then i started to pray and hope that it would be replied. In about 2 minutes, i saw my cellphone glow, it was a moment of truth for me. When i saw that there was a message for me, i was a nevous wreck.. Kiana, Nathan's sister and my confidant when it comes to problems with Nathan, replied.. I was so relieved and i was teary eyed, i was so glad and happy that she replied. We talked for a while, the i asked how Nathan was doing, she said that he's ok, but is always drunk, then she asked me if we have a fight or misunderstanding, i was honest to say to her that we indeed have a problem, then we talked about it, then she assured me that everything is going to be fine. I was hoping hat that would be the case.

Then at around 11:52pm, Nathan texted me, i was so happy yet i was also nervous, i don't know what will happen, if we will be ok or its going to be the end. I asked so many questions, and he answered everything i asked him. And when i asked him if i still have his heart and if im still part of his life, he answered YES! When i saw his answer, i was crying from relief and happiness, i know i didn't stand firm with my resolve, but what can i do, i really love him, so much that i can endure all just for us not to part ways.. He is my only love, my world and my life..

My Christmas Eve

Where many people are busily preparing for their noche buena and waiting for Christmas to come, i was just sitting in front of my laptop, thinking of what to do, am i just gonna lie down, sit and watch t.v or cry until i can't cry no more..

When everybody is happy and excited, im getting depressed more and more, i can't seem to get myself in the christmas spirit.. Im so sad, so down, so blue.. I want to get out of this slump that im in, but i can't seem to get out.. Everytime i try, it seems that something is pulling me back..

Am i in denial? When the only thing that can make me happy and get out of this depression that im in right now is to hear that he still loves me and that he still wants to be with me the rest of my life.. But how can i not be in denial when all i feel right now the exact opposite of what i want it to be..

Songs That Best Describe Me Now

Muli
by: Gary Valenciano with Regine Velasquez

[Gary]
Muling hinahanap
Ang dating paglingap na mula sa'yo
Muling umaasa Sa dating nadaramang laan sa'yo
Mula ng magwakas, tapusin ang lahat
Ay naritong nagmamahal pa rin
Pa'no kaya maibabalik
Ang damdamin mong dati

[Regine]
'Di ba't ikaw pa
Unang may nais na tapusin na
Habang panahon
Pinilit limutin ka hanggang ngayon
Mula ng magwakas, tapusin ng lahat
Hindi maikakailang ikaw pa rin
Papa'no kaya maibabalik
Ang hangaring dati

[Both]
Refrain: Ba't di nagkatagpo
Bakit tuloy nagkalayo
Bakit mayro'n pang nadarama
Gayong hindi na tayong dalawa
Bakit magwawakas
Pag-ibig na wagas
Ma'ri bang mangyari pang
Ibigin pang...Muli

[Regine]
Kung muling iibigin
H'wag sanang lisanin nang tulad noon
Pagluha'y di na kaya
H'wag na sanang isipin nang tulad gayon

[Gary]
Hanggang sa nagwakas,
Natapos ang lahat
Ay naritong nagmamahal pa rin
Paano pa ba maibabalik
Ang hangaring dati (Ma'ri pa kayang muli....)

[Both]
REFRAIN: Ba't di nagkatagpo
Bakit tuloy nagkalayo
Bakit mayro'n pang nadarama
Gayong hindi na tayong dalawa
Bakit magwawakas
Pag-ibig na wagas
Ma'ri bang mangyari pang Ibigin pang...
Muli Nandito lang ako (bago lumayo sa pilling mo)
Higit kang kailangan kailan man (hanggang kailan kaya naman)
Mahala kita (tila) hanap ka (sana) (tunay kaya ito)
Minsan pang bigyan ng daan
Pag-ibig na sa'yo nakalaan

[Both]
REFRAIN:
Ba't di nagkatagpo
Bakit tuloy nagkalayo
Bakit mayro'n pang nadarama
Gayong hindi na tayong dalawa
Bakit magwawakas
Pag-ibig na wagas
Ma'ri bang mangyari pang Ibigin pang... Muli


Each Passing Night
by: Gary Valenciano

Each passing night
I try and close my eyes
But thoughts of you
They wake me up
And tear me inside out

Each passing night
I ask myself who's right
And try to find the reasons why
It had to end that night

Didn't we share each other's dreams
We held each other tight
And tears fell from my eyes
As you walked and left me here
Like the wind you passed me by
I try but I can't see
If it's something that
I said Baby please won't you tell me now
it gets harder each passing night

I often pray
That you'd come back and stay
We've had too much together
To ever live a part
I'll wait and see
'Cause I know and I believe
Someday you'll come to realize
What you and I can be

Then we'll share each other's dreams
We'll held each other tight
Kiss the tears that burn my eyes
'Cause you walked and left me here

Like the wind you passed me by
I try but I can't see
If it's something that I said
Baby, please won't you tell me now
'Cause it gets harder each passing night

I never meant to hurt your heart this way
Sooner or later
There'd be someone else who'd stay

Didn't we share each other's dreams
(share each other's dreams)
You tear me inside out
(and tears fell from my eyes)
Someday you'd realize
(as you walked and left me here)

Like the wind you passed me by (
I try but I can't see)
Kiss the tears that burn my eyes
(Baby please won't you tell me now)
'Cause it gets harder each passing night
(I try but I can't see)
I try but I can't see
(Kiss the tears that burn my eyes)
Please tell me baby
(Please won't you tell me now) '
Cause it gets harder each passing night

It gets harder each passing night
It gets harder each passing night
It gets harder each passing night
Let your love bring back the light
{ till fade }

Fuck This Life !!!!

Ayaw ko na.. Suko na talaga ako.. Napakawalang kwenta ko talaga.. Kaya niya talaga akong tiisin.. Bale wala lang talaga ako sa kanya :(

So Lonely

Ang sama ng loob ko ngayon.. gusto kong sumigaw, gusto ko magwala, gusto kong umiyak. Sabi niya itetext na lang daw niya ako today (Saturday) kase pagod siya kagabi (Friday). Buong araw ako naghintay, hinde na nga ako natulog kahit wala pa akong tulog, kase iniisip ko na baka magtext siya sakin habang natutulog ako at hinde ako siya makausap. Pero wala pa rin. Sana hinde na lang niya sinabi na magtetext siya para hinde na lang ako umasa. Lately hinde ko na siya nakakausap tuwing saturdays, iniisip ko yun na lang nga ang day na libre siya dahil wala siyang work, pero mukhang wala pa rin siyang panahon para sakin. Masakit man inisipin, pero feeling ko talaga wala talaga akong kwenta sa kanya. Siguro i need to take time-out muna, and to give him time to think kung ano ba talaga ang gusto nyang mangyari.

Enough is Enough

"Enough is Enough"

Kelan mo masasabi ang mga salitang ito, kapag nasasaktan ka na? Kapag sa tuwing gusto mo siya kausapin, parang napipilitan lang siya pero kakausapin ka niya para lang masabi na hinde ka niya iniisnob? Kapag parang wala na siyang pakealam sayo at parang wala siyang gana na kausapin ka? Kapag nararamdaman mo na habang tumatagal lumalamig na ang pakikitungo niya sayo? Kapag gusto ka lang niya makausap at that moment saka lang siya magpaparamdam sayo? Kapag napapansin mo na wala na siyang panahon para sayo na kaya ka niya tiisin?

Daming tanong sa isang phrase na madami din pwedeng isagot. Mahirap isipin na hinde mo alam kung anong gagawin mo kapag dumating ka na sa situation na toh. Tipong hinde mo alam kung saan mo ilulugar ang sarili mo sa kanya dahil kapag may sinabi o tinanong ka sa kanya na hinde niya nagustuhan, its either hinde na lang siya sasagot, sasabihan ka niya na nasasaktan na siya at huwag mo na siya kakausapin kahit kelan o ang pinakanakakatakot sa lahat ng pwede niyang sabihin sayo, "Ayaw ko na. Maghiwalay na tayo!". OO, aaminin ko, napagdaanan ko na to, at OO, aaminin ko din na martyr ako pagdating sa pag-ibig. Ako yung tipo na tao na gagawin lahat para lang hinde kami maghiwalay. Iintindihin ang mga nangyayari samin kahit na minsan hinde mo naman talaga maintindihan kung paano at bakit niya nagagawa sayo yung mga bagay na nakakapagpasama ng loob mo.

Minsan dinedeadma ko na lang lahat para hinde na ako mag-isip. Pero madalas, umiiyak ako dahil hinde ko na minsan makayanan ang nangyayari sakin, tao lang ako, kahit na parang wala lang sakin lahat, pero sa loob ko, para akong namamatay unti-unti, minsan tinatanong ko ang sarili ko na bakit kailangang mangyari sakin to, dahil ba sa wala talaga akong kwentang tao na kahit na masaktan o mawala ako sa mundo walang makakapansin.

And when "Enough is Enough"?